the horrors of girl ritual.

i think i need to thank my uncles for their good taste in the women the chose to marry. without them i think i would have crumpled today.
oh the atrocities of the female rights of passage.
i arrived late, as usual, to my cousin's wedding shower. i'm certain i was greeted with many an evil eye (though that could be the catholic guilt, paranoia, lack of sleep, or any combination of the above). i was thankful to find that my family had saved me a seat right between my nine-year-old cousin and my delightfully sardonic aunt, with whom i can express my need to down a few of the dainty little cups of spiked punch.
being a member of the wedding party, i was called on to whisk away the presents after my cousin had opened, reacted, and displayed them. not a big deal, but i came to regard the maid-of-honor as far too stern and bossy for what is supposed to be a joyous celebration. but, as a married woman herself and the mother of twins, she has earned the right to take charge and, more importantly, to be bitter about it all.
i found myself a little disappointed in my cousin's taste as well. were these really the things she'd chosen for her new life in wedded union? i'm boycotting the registy and imposing my own tastes because i just cannot bring myself to endorse the ownership of some of the kitchen and bathroom ware i've seen. plus there was far too much ivory and that's just boring. though i have to say that the silverware - sorry, i believe the correct term is flatware - was simple and had a good heft to it, which is of the utmost importance to me.
i cannot fathom the concept of registering for gifts. it's still something other people do. i told my aunt that i was never going to do all of this should i ever get married (which, after turning 28 is seeming more and more far fetched). she tried to comfort me by saying it could just be a simple backyard affair, but the idea of it in general is what overwhelms me. cards signed by people you don't even know, friends of your beloved's parents and whatnot, so that you make a blanket thank you until the person identifies themself for eye contact. don't get me wrong, i love presents, i just don't care much for obligation.
what do people give the kind of person whose style depends largely on kitsch value and sentimentality?
then there are the inevitable cringe-inducing references to the guests' own marriages - leaving the "old ball and chain" at home, complaining about how he never does anything, nods of agreement everywhere because you know how men are, they're all the same.
on the drive home i wrestled with all of the conflicting emotions and self-perceptions that such an event brings up in me. will i ever get married? am i the kind of person who would settle just to achieve that goal? would i be able to go through with all of this hoopla? being an only child, is there any possible way to get out of it without irreparably hurting my parents? why am i even worrying about any of this in the first place? and it's not like people i relate to don't get married - that's part of why i have so many celebrations of union to go to in the next month.
i've been reading sasha cagen's quirkyalone (thanks SLS), which i can blame for sparking some of these conundrums. my sense of self often feels so skewed and uncertain. i am often so content being off on my own, coming and going as i please, staying in the bookstore as long as i want, wandering aimlessly wherever i choose. but just as often i feel something missing, some integral part of an experience that can only be filled by another person - not just anyone, a particular kind of other person.
i just wasn't made for these times.
at least i'll look hot in my bridesmaid dress.

ikea whore.

while in line at the cash register (one that my mom would call the lemon line), i wondered why i thought it a good idea to come to ikea on a saturday. then, a few hours later, i was there again. and i was able to find another lemon line.
oh, ikea....the luxury of having you so close.
oh, ikea....the boundless possibilities you offer.
oh, ikea....i could write odes and haikus and epic poems for you.
inspired by a manic episode, i decided (once again) that it was time to put my life in order [a place for everything and everything in its place]. this necessitated the purchase of glorified cardboard boxes. ah, yes...with these, i could surely become the compartmentalized person i desire to be. as i wandered around, all i could see was the untapped potential. i gazed longingly at the expedit, imagining my belongings lined up like soldiers. (is it so wrong to know the names of the furniture?) what i need to do, i realized, is get myself a husband and a kid. does ikea sell those? (there is smaland...hmmmm.)
all illusions are shattered now, as i gingerly step over the piles in an attempt to get across my bedroom. the chaos has gotten worse in my attempt to make it better, as it always does. sometimes i'm pretty sure i can't change the way i am.

golden.

the bike ride home was the perfect note on which to end my birthday. the four of us rolling along on almost empty streets through just-warm-enough summer air. this following serendipitous run-ins at the movie theater. and the man who snored during the movie, which was almost as funny as it was obnoxious. sometimes SLS cracks me up with her unabashed brazenness. in this instance, she walked right over to the man and poked at him until he woke up to tell him that his snoring was disrupting our moviegoing experience. this didn't stop him from falling back asleep moments later, but it was still entertaining.

my poor brain cells.

i am sorry, little brain, for mistreating you.
i couldn't even deal with myself when i woke up today. total disgust. but having to drive MM to work, as much as i thought i couldn't handle it, turned out to be something of a saving grace. i didn't actually drive there, because i was still feeling the effects of imbibing until the sun came up. that gave me more freedom to scan the radio and sing. i need to start making mixes that result from my travels. then i lurked around the borders for a long time. i don't know what it is about that place, but they have me targeted perfectly. ever few steps of my wandering takes me in front of somethine else i absolutely must read. it's gets me a little sad that i don't read fast enough, but it's just so fun to be surrounded by so much possibility. i should go on sabbatical from work to do more reading.
after a much needed nap there was some stand-up comedy. honestly, i've never really thought of going to see comedians before. or, if i have thought of it, i've been against it probably. but with it being right across the street from beth and her man's dad's place, it became one of those things i really wanted to do just because it had the potential to be so lame. and it was in milford. free pizza, smuggled wine, and a comedian who was stumped by us and couldn't classify us as anything - excellent night. and the last man actually made us laugh. follow this up with some laughs of our own, and you've got quite a lovely evening.

stupid old lady body.

it's a strained rotator cuff!!! (yes, beth, you were right.) i found it odd that of the three magazines in the room where i waited forever for the doctor, one of them had a cover story on arthritis and how it's not just for old people anymore. i avoided looking at it at first, choosing instead to read about athina onassis's legal battles. but that got old (plus someone had ripped out parts of the article) and i finally gave in and started the arthritis article. slightly terrifying in its attempts to be reassuring. it was good timing, though, since when the doctor came in and asked what was going on with my shoulder, i simply held the magazine cover up for her to read. now i'm off to physical therapy in a couple of weeks, which seems odd to me because unless you are in some sort of accident, isn't that generally for the more athletic type? i wondering if excessive napping and laziness can strain a rotator cuff. i need more advil.

highlights of a weekend resuscitated.

*a late night/early morning reconvening of the triumvirate
*my newly established saturday morning routine [morning according to my perception, though it often begins after noon or very close to it] - wait wait -- don't tell me!, maybe a crossword puzzle, breakfast, coffee (though breakfast and coffee were lacking on this particular saturday due to a lack of food). this has come to be my favorite part of the weekend.
*deciding to let go of my anger and disappointment
*thoroughly enjoying driving
*the pilot travel center - my fascination with milford continues to increase. they should call it a travel haven: cheap gas, a bright consumer paradise, and bizarre individuals. they even had the starbuck's double shot, which i absolutely hate to admit that i enjoy, be enjoy nonetheless. stopping there on the way was definitely an executive decision i was proud to have made. [my first attempt to get gas resulted in me accidentally going to the unattended full service section and realizing only after i had given up my credit card (which i decided to use because for some reason the line at the island employee cubby was not moving and i'm impatient) that the gas was significantly more expensive. i also wanted a coca-cola and there didn't appear to be one of those mini-mart things and i refused to buy even a soda from the mcdonald's. but, as it turns out, all of these obstacles served to bring me a sort of highway journey-ers mecca.]
*a quarter-machine ring
*a rock show complete with an array of striped polo shirts and young southern boys fawning over the band to the point of requesting autographs.
*diner follies with the heavily accented proprietor calling me the boss, assuring us that he knew how things worked because he has been married for over 20 years. this also increased my appreciation of my dining companion, as i saw further evidence of the sort of sense of humor i most enjoy that allows one to go along with such nonsense. (speaking of nonsense, that sentence is rather cumbersome.)
*brunch - always a favorite with me, a combination of acute hunger and deliciousness made this one stand out. fontina omlette with spinach and tomatoes, potatoes, rye toast, an americano, plus generously shared fresh squeezed orange juice and a gorgeous combination of yogurt, granola, and berries. [i was thinking i should make it more of a habit to document the tasty things i consume, but then i remembered the girl who would draw all the things she ate - pocket pig? i think.] this was the sort of meal that causes you to close your eyes just a bit after each bite to savor all of the delectable flavors.
*appreciating being a grown-up simply because i can decide to have treats whenever i want. shall i have some mango gelato now? yes, i shall. will children eye me with envy? yes, they shall. will this make me happy? a bit.
*napping.
*the scan feature on the radio yielding numerous results that allowed for loud, impassioned, off-key singing, including, but not limited to, early to mid 90s rock blocks and 80s flashbacks. sometimes the worst things please me to no end.
*not wanting to return to work on monday, but comforted in the knowledge that i only have to do it for two days this week.

skeeters.

i have bug bites in the strangest places from all of this pool swimming, which indicates to me that i am not consuming enough garlic. this causes me to be diappointed in myself and i imagine my italian ancestors are slowly shaking their heads in pity and confusion.
my bursitis is plaguing me - is this your doing as well, italian ancestors?
last night during my self-pity drowning drunkeness had the routine guilt about not spending enough time with my family. it happens every so often, but i never seem to do anything about it. part of it is that i completely lack any comprehension of the concept of time. i'm not really sure how anybody makes time for anything. but it really shouldn't be that difficult to go have dinner with my grandparents every once in awhile. i'm such a jerk. and now i'm probably going to skip out on my cousin's birthday party. and for what? a boy? pa-thetic. really, if i am living this close i should have more interactions with them. it's hard being so selfish. it really is.
now i'll go cook something garlicy to ward off any future blood-sucking pests.

oh the humidity.

swimming pools are such fun. especially ones with slides.

valley girl.

i'm becoming even more obsessed with the valley (the naugatuck one, also dubbed (by whom, i know not) the all-american valley). driving down 34 i kept peeking through the trees to see the other side of the river, when i had been last weekend. getting my bearings. learning the topography. (that's totally the wrong word. i still like it so it's staying there.)
some conclusions i've some to...
* i want a boat. a motor boat. a sail boat. a row boat. a canoe. and other water fun toys.
* i want to live on a river or lake. it's just too lovely being able to jump into the water for a couple of minutes when you are come back from a hike all sweaty and gross, then pop out and have some much-needed food.
* i want to live in the valley. well, i think that goes along with the water-side thing. i might still like to live in the valley more inland. i'll have to explore that option more.
hmmm.....what else was there? i thought there were more fascinating discoveries to behold. i just need to go to bed. i thought fall into my bed as soon as i got in the house, but then the thought of food overwhelmed me and i ended up in front of a plate of oniony, garlicy piergoies and a pile of steamed broccoli and that was pretty much heaven for me this evening. i hope it makes me have wacky dreams.

like snow in july.

this rain makes me think of snow. it is most definitely not snow. i am well aware of that, and also appreciative. because i hate the cold. but it is pretty cold. but, the whole rain as snow thing....it just makes me want to hide away inside, curled up under blankets with books and movies and tea (which siri offered me when i walked in the door and it was timing perfecto).
this rain is need, also, because i MOWED THE LAWN yesterday. can you believe it? who knew i would ever take interest in yard presentation. it was very fun and rewarding. i had planned on mowing last weekend, but got scared of the electic mower, knowing that i would surely run over the cord. who puts and electical cord on a lawn mower? that thing with the sharp blades? ludicrous. (i almost spelled it ludicris. i believe that's the way the rapper spells it). but yesterday i was motivated by a sense of vindication after the upstairs neighbor gave siri a hard time about our lawn toys. she claimed her husband was going to mow but couldn't. i believe that to be absolute bullshit. still, it got me out there in no time. what a team we were, siri and me. after clearing the lawn of the table, chairs, family swim center, and badminton net, she kept me from certain electrocution by minding the lawn mower cord. then the crazy gal decided to employ the weed-whacker. impressive stuff. so we weeded. our neighbor (from next door, NOT upstairs) let us borrow some little snippers and gave us some tips on our plant life. i was finally able to trim some of the low hanging branches and i even thought about planting an herb garden in the space next to the wild garden. exciting stuff. but i was a little worried about the lawn being too short, so i am relieved that it is far from the kind of day that would scorch the lawn. we love it too much for that to happen.
so, yes, the backyard is still my favorite room in the house and now it looks so much bigger. i only wish i could work such magic with my bedroom.

river rat.

july 4th, 2005 (the day i should have written this)
i've come to realize that july 4th is quite possibly my most favoritest day of the year, which causes a pang of guilt to echo through my body since it is also one of the most bogus days of the year. yay capitalism! BANG! yay conspicuous consumption! BOOM! yay ignorance! POP!
i woke up that morning to find the sun out, the air warm but not oppressive. weather that inspires people to say things like, "you couldn't ask for a better day," and "we sure lucked out with this one." i got in the car with A & C and we rolled out of town. winding down the road towards J's house, the air shady and cool, i started to think that maybe i could live there, maybe i could settle down in shelton, in a house between the river and the railroad tracks, trees and quiet and neighbors like extended family. i thought of how pastoral it would sound on my book jackets.
we stroll into J's back yard and one of the first people i see is chris - i take an extra millisecond to find him under his hat, behind his cop sunglasses, his eleven years housed in the lanky boy before me - and i'm thrilled. it's the perfect surprise.
from there, the whole day appears in my memory as a blur of vivid blues, lush greens, sparkling glints of sunshine. the quintessential lazy day. jumping into the river, happy to leave behind the thoughts that wonder what might actually be dumped in there and why the rocks are so damn slimy. climbing out to dry off by basking in the sunshine. yes, basking. everyone was appreciative of what we had that day.
i played some frisbee with chris - mostly as a way to get him to stop playing wiffle ball, since i was sure i was going to get clocked. i was throwing into the wind, making me appear to be a sub-par, unskilled frisbee tosser and chris kept giving me suggestions and even offered to come over and give me a few lessons. it reminded me of my dad trying to teach me various simple athletic skills as a child (most of which i never grasped). i tried to act indignant, but it was just too funny.
chris also attempted to make a fishing pole out of the wiffle-ball bat, a shoelace, and piece of elbow macaroni from the pasta salad (which, now that i think about it, i believe had tuna in it and therefore seems like a cruel form of bait). J got him a real fishing pole and when he asked M to help him put a worm on the hooked, i was flabbergasted to see M actually do it and not throw up. impressive. my only thought as chris walked to the dock was that i hoped he wouldn't be disappointed when he didn't catch anything. really, i didn't think there was anything in there to be caught. what do i know. apparently he caught an eel when i was somewhere else.
later he and V were sitting on the back of the boat and it was a heartstring-pulling moment the most hallmark sort of way, but it was real and it was beautiful. this time, i witnessed him catch an actual fish. i couldn't contain myself and yelled with genuine surprise and delight. i heard that it was a sunfish. after some photo ops, there charitably tossed it back in the water.
i finally got my boat ride as the afternoon was closing in on evening. i got to sit next to J's grandfather and the exchanges between him and J were hysterical. i finally got to see wholand, a community only accessible by the river. based on the stories i had heard, i expected it to be more creepy and sinister and instead found myself wondering if they would let me join them. sort of. the second indian rock made me a little uneasy about the place. it's just paint, but you know there's some reality behind that angry look.
and then firecracker time. as we walked down the neighbors' yards to find the ideal viewing location, i talked up the display to M, insisting it was the best he'd ever see, listing examples of its awesomeness. "you can lay down and they are right over your head!" i tell him. then they start. and they are close, but certainly not above anyone's heads, and i start to second-guess my enthusiasm just a bit, wondering if M is disappointed in the display and me. then they start moving up. then the first of what would be dubbed the "golden showers" appears, which would continue to make us ooh and ahh and giggle simultaneously. the light seems to be dripping down on you and i challenge even the most jaded misanthrope to watch such a thing without their breath catching or a whispered "wow" slipping out. i caught myself uttering oh my god more than once, lost for any other way to express my awe. and it went on for such a long time. a few would go off together and we would all expect the finale, then it would slow down again for awhile. and the sounds.... the echo that M & i noticed at the same time, the sizzle, the pure delight from all the different groups around us.
then back to the raging bonfire and the smaller, individual fireworks displays to wind down the night.
it's almost like a make-believe day. everything is too good to be real. and i do feel a sense of shame when i think of workers in thailand gently kneading the gunpowder mixture that could explode in their hands any second in order to make some flashes in the sky for me and my spoiled compatriots to gawk at, when i think of the ash falling into the river, the embers that could start a forest fire and smoke bambi & co out of their homes. and i don't encourage the celebration of oppression and brutality and bullying, flag stickers, ribbon magnets, troop support, homeland security. it's something of a quandary. but i suppose i just enjoy seeing people i care about feeling comfortable and relaxed and really enjoying themselves and each other, even if only for a few hours. seeing people outside of a dim, sweaty bar. seeing them act spontaneous and childlike and appreciating those actions in others.
it makes me understand words like idyllic, blissful, content.

alter this life, STAT.

today i did not work, calling in with the true and valid excuse that i had been in the emergency room with a friend until after 3 in the morning. given that i work with the children and need to be alert and awake to some degree, i thought it not only fair, but wise to get some more sleep before attending to them. i said that i would be perfectly willing to go in later if someone covered a few hours in the morning, but no one called back so i ended up with a free day. hot damn.
but, yes, i was at the er. my friend injured himself on the 4th (which is what i really want to be writing about...), but didn't go to the hospital then, for fear that it would be mobbed with other fourth-related incidents. and just for fear. but i offered to take him, so off we went. somehow it was already about 9:30 (i had to finish grilling and eating first, obviously), and i jokingly said to my roommate, "see you later...like 3 in the morning," because i know it always takes a super long time.
it probably should have been a sign to get myself out of there when a woman came down the hallway moaning loudly, "my baby died. my grandbaby is dead." she went outside and came or was brought back in, still saying the same thing over and over. it was heartbreaking and i just wanted to get up and hug her and sit with her and let her moan and wail, but of course i just sat there.
later R was outside and met this young dude who was trying to get himself inside for detox. i guess he had just gotten out of detox in bridgeport or somewhere else a decent distance away, gotten high and somehow ended up at the doorstep of the st. raph's er. R talked to him for awhile with encouraging words. when i went outside later, he was there and asked me for a cigarette. i told him i didn't have one, then insisted upon my honesty. as he was walking by me later, he said, "you're a strong person." i gave him my best questioning look, probably shrugged my shoulders. he asked if i was there with someone and when i said yes he asked if they were going to be okay. oh yeah, i told him, just a big cut on the leg, at which point he got excited and told me what a great guy R is. i went back inside and watched for this boy, hoping he would get himself in there. after a few minutes, he came in and waited at the desk. i kept reading, looking up every once in awhile to keep an eye on him. apparently not often enough. i saw him walk towards the waiting area, then back. and then he was gone. there was no one at the desk. my first instinct was to get up and go outside and try to convince him to come back in, but for whatever reason (all those reasons that continually make a person squelch their instincts) i sat and waited to see if he would come back. by the time i got up to check for him outside, he was gone. i checked a couple of times after, but never saw him again. and i feel like i failed him.
as for R, they didn't even give him stitches. he had waited too long to come in, so they just cleaned it off, wrapped it up, and prescribed him some antibiotics. Five hours for that. he had told me earlier that i could leave, that he would just take a cab back, but that was not something i really considered. to me, sitting in an er lobby is part of friendship. being there was just how it goes. and i do believe this, but it's also not the kind of thing you do for just anyone. and i have to wonder if i chose the right moment employ my rules of friendship, as i don't feel confident in bestowing the title of "friend" upon R much lately. tonight during my brief interaction with C, he pointed out that this was probably an over-generous (and foolish) gesture. "how did you get suckered into taking R to the emergency room," was one of the first things he said. pointing out that i was taken advantage of. pointing out that R seems to take advantage of girls in general. it was so true that i had to immediately put an end to the conversation.
this altruistic personality seems to be coming out at all the wrong times. i need to take advantage of these occassions with people who are genuinely appreciative and actually like me as a friend and not just a convenient sucker. i was trying to pare down my associations with people to the bare bones awhile ago, and i need to continue this. gone are the people who fluctuate. gone are the people who appear only when in need.
how did i get onto this tirade?