alter this life, STAT.

today i did not work, calling in with the true and valid excuse that i had been in the emergency room with a friend until after 3 in the morning. given that i work with the children and need to be alert and awake to some degree, i thought it not only fair, but wise to get some more sleep before attending to them. i said that i would be perfectly willing to go in later if someone covered a few hours in the morning, but no one called back so i ended up with a free day. hot damn.
but, yes, i was at the er. my friend injured himself on the 4th (which is what i really want to be writing about...), but didn't go to the hospital then, for fear that it would be mobbed with other fourth-related incidents. and just for fear. but i offered to take him, so off we went. somehow it was already about 9:30 (i had to finish grilling and eating first, obviously), and i jokingly said to my roommate, "see you later...like 3 in the morning," because i know it always takes a super long time.
it probably should have been a sign to get myself out of there when a woman came down the hallway moaning loudly, "my baby died. my grandbaby is dead." she went outside and came or was brought back in, still saying the same thing over and over. it was heartbreaking and i just wanted to get up and hug her and sit with her and let her moan and wail, but of course i just sat there.
later R was outside and met this young dude who was trying to get himself inside for detox. i guess he had just gotten out of detox in bridgeport or somewhere else a decent distance away, gotten high and somehow ended up at the doorstep of the st. raph's er. R talked to him for awhile with encouraging words. when i went outside later, he was there and asked me for a cigarette. i told him i didn't have one, then insisted upon my honesty. as he was walking by me later, he said, "you're a strong person." i gave him my best questioning look, probably shrugged my shoulders. he asked if i was there with someone and when i said yes he asked if they were going to be okay. oh yeah, i told him, just a big cut on the leg, at which point he got excited and told me what a great guy R is. i went back inside and watched for this boy, hoping he would get himself in there. after a few minutes, he came in and waited at the desk. i kept reading, looking up every once in awhile to keep an eye on him. apparently not often enough. i saw him walk towards the waiting area, then back. and then he was gone. there was no one at the desk. my first instinct was to get up and go outside and try to convince him to come back in, but for whatever reason (all those reasons that continually make a person squelch their instincts) i sat and waited to see if he would come back. by the time i got up to check for him outside, he was gone. i checked a couple of times after, but never saw him again. and i feel like i failed him.
as for R, they didn't even give him stitches. he had waited too long to come in, so they just cleaned it off, wrapped it up, and prescribed him some antibiotics. Five hours for that. he had told me earlier that i could leave, that he would just take a cab back, but that was not something i really considered. to me, sitting in an er lobby is part of friendship. being there was just how it goes. and i do believe this, but it's also not the kind of thing you do for just anyone. and i have to wonder if i chose the right moment employ my rules of friendship, as i don't feel confident in bestowing the title of "friend" upon R much lately. tonight during my brief interaction with C, he pointed out that this was probably an over-generous (and foolish) gesture. "how did you get suckered into taking R to the emergency room," was one of the first things he said. pointing out that i was taken advantage of. pointing out that R seems to take advantage of girls in general. it was so true that i had to immediately put an end to the conversation.
this altruistic personality seems to be coming out at all the wrong times. i need to take advantage of these occassions with people who are genuinely appreciative and actually like me as a friend and not just a convenient sucker. i was trying to pare down my associations with people to the bare bones awhile ago, and i need to continue this. gone are the people who fluctuate. gone are the people who appear only when in need.
how did i get onto this tirade?