break!

one minute i'm pining away for the pre-planned life that working provides me, the next i'm coming home every night exhausted and getting depressed because i have no energy or motivation to do anything. is this what that "grass is always greener" phrase is referring to?
since i haven't been able to compose a blog entry at home the past few nights, i've decided to use these few minutes i have during my break at work to get a few things down. my energy and optimism are still somewhere in the positive range at this point in the day. ten minutes to noon. christ, i'd probably still be asleep if it were last week.
it's just an adjustment period, honestly. it's going back to work, but it's also like going to a whole new job. there are some new kids and the routines are a little different and s has allergies and c can't have anything with eggs and b & m are both biters, so keep at eye out for them. there's so much to remember and so many things to keep track of.... it's been a draining past few days.
heh. right now i can here some older kids outside that i have had in classes before and they are very funny. they are so big. my, how they grow.
another issue causing intense stress...shorts. yes, shorts cause me stress. for so many years i have been anti-shorts (for myself, at least. don't take offence if you are an avid shorts-wearer). i still much prefer a skirt in the spring and summer to a pair of shorts. but i decided that this is the year i will embrace shorts. they are more practical in many instances. never will i have to worry about forgetting to tuck up a pair of shorts when i squat down to kid level. sitting criss-cross (we don't use the term "indian style" anymore...duh.) becomes a viable option. riding my bicycle is less risque. but, jesus, where do you find these things? i mean, seriously. i'm not a frumpy middle-aged woman and i'm not a teenager looking to flaunt some booty, so therefore i am not allowed to wear shorts? that must be the case because it seems they simply don't make them in an in-between style.
just when i'm getting on a roll with my clothing industry rampage, it is time to get lunch ready for the children.

structuredness is next to godliness.

i need to start planning vacations.
i don't do well with unstructured schedules. i think that having time off to relax and kick back will be a good thing, then i muck it all up and get too wild and then get too depressed and oy yoy yoy the downward spiral. really.
this will all get better when i get back to work on monday. i really need that cornerstone of stability in my life. part of me hates admitting that being scheduled helps with the crazies, but gosh darn it, it is somewhat true. waking up at the same time every day can be boring and a hassle, but it does something to the ol' brain that is necessary. but is has been lovely not hearing the alarm clock for the past seven days. i despise that thing.
so it's friday and i'm looking on things with more rationalization than regret. this is the time when i usually have a little time of mourning for a wasted week off. isn't that silly?
i must go enjoy the sun and do some reading and then get back to work on goofy paintings to display on a fence tomorrow.

line up, chakras!

it's kind of like my mind and body are in tune with each other when i feel like this. but that seems to imply something a little more positive.
sometimes my stomach knows before my consciousness that i am feeling anxious. sometimes it is simultaneous. sometimes i don't even get to awareness, excepting my flip-flopping stomach.
what i'm saying here is that i feel totally sick. people from the past (distant and not-so-distant) appearing in one form or another and suddenly i'm a gastro-intestinal wreck.
i'm thinking i might need to hide away for awhile. but i'm not sure if i really want to. and i'm not lettin no bullies push me around. so sir-ee-bob.
i'm wondering if the family swim center might cure some of my woes.

marathon weekend.

i headed into this vacation a little bit disappointed by the fact that i would not be going to montreal. i really thought this was happening. however, it seemed to be a somewhat fortuitous change of plans, as i had forgotten that it was the second weekend of the ideat village. i didn't even mention it the week before, did i? well, the was the rock show friday and a sunday involving scrabble and beth reading poetry and some barroom antics.
but back to this weekend.
lots of walking around and bike riding. i saw my favorite little girl who i thought i would never see again and got the biggest hug from her. she directed us over to the "big yard" (or the green, as others may know it) to see a robot. undescribably amazing food at steve&robin's. the walk to pitkin plaza with a few raindrops to strike fear in our hearts, then the most incredible sun you've ever seen. really. it was unreal. and surreal. and all other forms of real. just sitting there in this bizzare plot of grass and shrubbery on top of a parking garage, the light a little gray until suddenly some clouds make all the right moves and it is warm and yellow and you have to squint when you turn around and i think i said something about being happy everyone was there to share that moment and people laughed at me, but really, it's hard to explain unless you were there so it's good to have had people there.
and the rock and roll was awesome. every band did a great job, and considering how many bands there were - puckish, crooked hook, the threespeeds, hygiene wilder, and strike the colors - that's rather impressive. seriously, man, these guys - and gals - rocked. the rest of my evening was spent mostly wrapped up in pleasant conversation. i (wisely) opted out of the late-night poker game and instead spent some time with my old roommate who never fails to crack me up. and i drank water instead of continuing the debauchery, which was a rare and reasonable choice that i felt quite pleased about making.
sunday was worth mentioning because i got to see some dude throw chairs around BAR and it was really funny.
then there was monday. monday monday (think mamas and the papas for me here...). our usual NHWC meeting served the dual purpose of also being siri's birthday party. this just means that some other people joined us, we talked a little less than usual about writing, and there was far more imbibing. but it was fabulous. highlights include some exquisite corpse-esque typing on the two outside typewriters, the obligatory cook-out, candle and boats floating in the family swim center, and oh so much more. siri's friend had some mad judo antics going on. late into the night (after i temporarily turned into a zombie - all that gin caught up to me and i was afraid to move for fear of spontaneous vomiting. i sat for a long time with my head in my hands resting upon my knees, about as fetal as you can get in a plastic chair), someone said something about going in the pool. i thought it would be funny if i just walked in. sure it would be cold, but it would only be up to my mid-calves and i had a skirt on so my clothes wouldn't get wet and what the hell, it's worth it for a laugh. and i got a laugh all right. i slipped and fell in and got soaked. happy birthday, siri!! i hope you appreciate what i go through for you!!
everyone had a good time, though. especially siri, which was the most important feature.
after a psychedelic morning, i enjoyed a walk downtown with miller, a visit to steve&robin's, then another delicious lunch with m and siri and the9. met an adorable child. hmmm....what else?
i guess that's it.
i had a lot more insight to add before, instead of merely recounting the happenings of the past few days, but maybe those will come later. maybe not. who knows.

feeling a little macaulay...

...walking into the apartment and wandering around all like yo where is everybody? it was sad coming home to an empty house. i kind of expected everyone to be here and instead i find no one (well, the cats. and they count for something, but conversation with them gets old after awhile). they probably thought i would relish this time alone, as i was slightly overwhelmed during the transition, but really i was looking forward to coming home to a full house. i needed the distraction. i'm feeling all emotional. the sense of loss that comes at the end of the school year. i just get so attached to the little monsters. and especially this year. my heart has broken about a thousand times in the last few days. and the finality of today... sheesh.
BUT...that means i'm almost on vacation. hot damn.

feel the heat.

latest addiction: BBQ.
i'm in love with our backyard (though i do wish i could mow the lawn. i am willing to do it, but the big heavy lawnmower is in the basement and the man upstairs who is supposedly responsible for this doesn't seem all that interested in having a groomed yard. i really really wish it was one of those old-school mowers because it's a small enough yard where i think that would be fun for me. at least once.) my darling roommate got the super-awesome family swim center. a grown up kiddie pool! i love it. it sat in the living room, still in it's box for a few days, as we had no way to blow it up. things finally came together on thursday and boy oh boy, let me tell you, what a time we had. we hauled the summertime accessories up from the basesment (you should have seen us trying to open the hatchway doors from the basement - so many spiders). everything was covered in 72 layers of filth and unuse, but it was nothing we couldn't handle. add into the mix beth's dinner provisions, jacob's grilling skills, and the gopher sport and you've got yourself a stellar evening.
because of this, i've decided to eat everything from the grill from now on. this is my mission for the summer. last night we had a veritable feast - potatoes, corn, asparagus, peppers, and veggie dogs - all from the grill! fantastic. and this time steve and robin were able to come over, which was perfect. it's definitely more fun to bbq with friends.
since i'm now determined to eat primarily from the grill, any clever tricks or recipes are more than welcome. in return you can eat and swim (well, sit and splash around) and play badminton (did i mention there's badminton? there is) whenever your heart desires.

wine and words.

i'm now addicted to blogging.

NHWC blog

pictures of the past. in present tense.

the new school kids still know what's up at my old school:



and they are also still as f-ed up:

suburban white girls ain't got soul.

and i can say that, being one myself. i know first hand that this is a fair generalization to make. first, let's go back a couple of weeks....
e and i went to this dance recital/ talent show thing at the middle school where her dad works, kind of as a lark. we figured that there would be entertainment on some level. but it ended up totally blowing us away. these kids were amazing. out of control. or, rather, totally in control. so many of them just had it, whatever "it" is. rhythm? soul? passion? all of those, yet none adequate enough to describe it. one of the stand-out numbers involved three rather traditional ballerinas coming out (after 3 or 4 more hip-hop kind of routines) to some famous carmen song, and it's all lovely and pretty and all that - then the beat busts in and so do a bunch of other kids doing the hip-hop stuff (i don't want to call it modern dance, because we all know that's something else, and that's what it is referred to at my little cousins' dance school, so pardon me if my terminology is lame. refer to my "suburban white girl" upbringing). excellent dichotomy. it probably could have come off really badly, but it was superbly executed. then there was the fact that there were all different kinds of kids there. being middle school, there were the under-developed and over-developed, so the age range looked even wider than it really was. they were all different sizes and shades and....genders! it was really awesome to see so many boys being so into it and serious about it and have it be completely acceptable and even respected.
flash to today. okay...completely different situation. my little cousins (7 and 10) had their recital today. (my aunt also takes a class and was supposed to be in it today, but she hurt her back. still, she's pretty awesome for doing it in the first place) first of all, it was the longest thing in the world. i actually left and came back, then left and came back again because i was way too early.
after the first set that i stayed for, i was feeling a little disheartened. it just didn't seem like these girls felt anything (except for maybe one or two). it looked like they learned a bunch of different dance moves, strung them together, and put some music on. no flow. as an audience member, i was not feeling it. yes, some of them were just teeny-tiny little kids, and i'm not expecting them to have it all together. i know it's just supposed to be cute and funny and they look at each other and mess up and act silly and then you clap and tell them how great they did. but i was just left with a feeling of emptiness throughout. one girl that actually seemed to have some rhythm and had a solo was, of course, darker skinned and i started feeling like a racist and then i started thinking about the other dance show and how it was "inner city" kids and how that translates to many minorities being the majority and blah blah blah.
so i took off for awhile, as there was a large stretch of time between cousins' performances. did i mention this recital was being held at my old high school??? oh yes. indeed it was. the southington high school fine arts auditorium i believe they call it. what a trip. it started to feel strange when i pulled into the parking lot and found it far more full than i had expected and had to find a parking space way in the back....just like old times.....
during one intermission i had a look around. of course the classrooms were closed (yes, i tried the handles), but i could still peek in those long, narrow windows with the bizarre wire-work embedded in them (why are school-door windows like that anyways?). ah....there it was ... my old photography classroom. oh, the memories..... i had planned on seeing how far from the actual event i could be able to get before everything was locked or i got in trouble, but that just didn't end up happening, what with the leaving and then with the kids around and all.
getting back too soon, i went on a little southington/ plainville adventure and ended up making a stop at the book exchange (which i believe i previously did some dissing to in a moment of frustration). this time, however, the man i dealt with was delightful. he led me right to the coveted field guides, then modified the prices of almost all of the ones i chose even when i only asked about one. he seemed pretty sure that they were marked "new" from a time since past, though i'm not sure the other guy would have been so forth-coming with the price adjustments. then once i made my final selections he pointed out that i had four and was eligible to receive a free one! i suppose it was indulgent, but i now have reference materials for all things insect, bird, wildflower, butterfly and rock or mineral related. i am an expert in training.
back to shs........
okay okay....things got a little better. i guess there were more older kids, more advanced dancers in this grouping, because i felt a little more benevolent in doling out my approval. there was some okay stuff, some actual life flowing through the dancers' veins. relief.
hmmm.....what was i getting at? not sure anymore. this sudden blast of heat has caught me off guard (though i AM NOT complaining. keep it coming, mother nature!) . i just know that should i one day have a young child who wants to take dance lessons, i'll have a lot of thinking to do. i'll end up being this crazy lady who attends every recital within a 50 mile radius. people will think i'm a pedophile, rather than a dutiful parent conducting much needed research. okay....slow down....
oh. but at then end when they all came out to take a bow there was ONE BOY! ONE BOY!!! yes, it's terrible there there was ONLY one but there was AT LEAST one is the point. it made me giddy. then i had a chat with katie about boy dancers and she thought baryshnikov was a funny name (almost a personal affront, russian obsession, but she's forgiven most anything she can possibly do).
and one more thing....one of the routines was to "she bop." now, i immediately think that this is slightly inappropriate, as these girls are probably about 9 or 10 and the song is about masturbation. but it also makes me giggle a little because it's just sort of funny. right? but i have no one to share it with. so finally i decide to lean over to my aunt and say, "do you know what this song is about?" to which she replies that she doesn't, and then i proceed to inform her, immediately wondering if that was completely inappropriate. this then causes me to sit through the rest of the number contemplating my chronological position in the family ..... i'm old enough to be considered an adult, but also still in the position of being one of the nieces, which is a younger generation. strange place to be.
i could probably come up with more revelations that occurred today, but the ones i've listed already probably aren't making sense as it is.......